catch a tiger by the toe, if he hollers, you’re probably kicking his a**

The Phantoms game on December 4 vs. the Tigers was fairly epic. While the Tigers didn’t have a...

phantoms teach barbarians what is best in life

What is best in life? A shutout, my friends, a shutout. The Phantoms, backstopped by AJ “No So...

A Win’s A Win

The Phantoms picked up their first win of the season in an odd fashion. As it turns out, their oppon...


catch a tiger by the toe, if he hollers, you’re probably kicking his a**

December 13, 2011 in Games

The Phantoms game on December 4 vs. the Tigers was fairly epic. While the Tigers didn’t have a full bench, the Phantoms didn’t really care, and steamrolled them 9-0, notching back-to-back shutouts for AJ “You Shall Not Pass” Brandt.

Just how much did the Phantoms control the game? Well, Jonathan “Deuce” Cullis scored a beauty end-to-end rush goal that was disallowed because the referee didn’t want to believe his eyes that the puck was in the back of the net. And the Phantoms still won…by a lot.

To give credit where credit is due, the Tigers goalie was OUTSTANDING through the first two periods, before he finally succumbed to the barrage of Phantoms scoring chances. Neither team scored in the second period, as the Tigers beleaguered net-minder turned away 19 shots, while Brandt was only mildly annoyed by needing to stop three.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Steve “Spicoli” Stuart started the scoring with the first of his four points for the night. Mike “Scouts?” Fansler and Frank “Gateway” Archambault also tallied goals in the opening frame.

After the previously mentioned tight second period, the Phantoms poured it on in the third, scoring six more times, including twice on the powerplay. The goal were notched by Stuart, Archambault, Jason “The Dude” Lewandowski, Ross “Stats?” Gerbasi, and Craig “Bobby Clarke Would Be Proud” Sonnenschein (who had an absolutely FILTHY backhanded goal in the final minute).

All in all, eight different Phantoms made it onto the scoreboard, and that’s probably incorrect since the score keeper didn’t seem inclined to dole out second assists. The point? It was an excellent team effort, and something the team will need to keep rolling as they face the ironically named Underdogs on December 14 at Wilmette.


phantoms teach barbarians what is best in life

November 29, 2011 in Games

What is best in life? A shutout, my friends, a shutout.

The Phantoms, backstopped by AJ “No Soup For You” Brandt, won their second game of the season 3-0 over the Barbarians.

After a scoreless first period, Mike “Jersey? I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Jersey” Orzoff sped into the Barbarians zone and looped down low underneath the right circle. Drawing the defenders, Orzoff fed a beauty of a pass to Craig “Who Put the Tackle Me Sign on My Back?” Sonnenschein, who showed incredible patience with the puck, turning the goalie inside out before depositing the puck in the back of the net.

The next tally didn’t come until the third period, when defensive pair, Bill “Call of Duty” Heyse and Scott “Motormouth” Battle moved the puck out of the Phantoms zone and up to speedy center, ┬áRoss “Water Boy” Gerbasi. Gerbasi broke in and doubled the lead. Sadly, Gerbasi waited until the third period to score, thus negating the evening’s free tostada offer and upsetting the spillover crowd from the preceding Hornets game.

Steve “Shoulder Pads” Stuart placated the near riot, however, a few minutes later. Attempting to set a new team record, Stuart scored a power play goal during a goalmouth scramble. Gerbasi assisted on the play, with a secondary assist potentially going to Frank “Seriously, I Was There” Archambault once we hear back from the war room in Toronto.

The entire Phantoms squad really pulled together for the win, with plenty of offensive pressure, smart defensive play, and about 80* poke checks courtesy of Jiri “Stretch Armstrong” Nosek, who was often jumping up into the offensive rush.

The Phantoms will be taking on the Tigers this coming Sunday in their quest to get back above .500 for the season. Tickets are still available.


*Approximate total due to this writer’s incredible math skills.

A Win’s A Win

November 19, 2011 in Uncategorized

The Phantoms picked up their first win of the season in an odd fashion. As it turns out, their opponent, the Scorpions, opted not to show up for the game, thus forfeiting the match. With no one to play, but ice to be skated on, the Phantoms went ahead and had a team scrimmage to “celebrate” the victory.

The Phantoms have the holiday week off, before taking on the Barbarians on Sunday, November 27.

Well, that one was for the birds.

November 14, 2011 in Uncategorized

The Phantoms fell in their second outing, 7-3 to the Bluejays. While the team chemistry is starting to congeal a bit (in a good way), it didn’t help that star netminder, AJ “Advil” Brandt played hurt.

Nursing an injury going into the match, Brandt re-aggravated it, and his legion of fans, somewhere during the second period. After that, he valiantly tried to play through the pain – all the while cursing the absence of the Phantoms trainer.

On the plus side, new Phantom, Frank “8 Mile” Archambault made his presence known with two goals and some stellar play. The other Phantoms goal came courtesy of new addition, Mike “Take Your Hat” Orzoff, who scored his first goal as a Phantom. Phantoms captain, and motivational speaker, Greg “I’m Sick Of Hearing How Great the Soviets Are” Rolnick claimed credit for Orzoff’s goal, or at least the method behind it. Rolnick admonished Orzoff to “shoot the *&^%$# puck” during the second intermission, and lo and behold, the brilliant strategy paid off.

The true star of the night, however, was Bo “Howitzer” Coonce, who evened his shot total from the previous season by the 13 minute mark of the first period. Although he didn’t score, Coonce had chance after chance. To his credit, he did pick up an assist on Archambault’s second goal of the evening.

Another Phantom made his debut during the match. Steve “Lucky 7″ Stuart stepped up and played solidly on both offense and defense, and may even get called on to backup Brandt in goal for the next game.

Finally, after a lengthy contract dispute, Mike “$%^& Hits the” Fansler returned to the Phantoms lineup. Fansler declined to comment for this article, but his representatives assure that he’s ready to play here and not in Minsk. So that’s a plus.

Up next: The Scorpions. And not the cool German hair metal band.

New Phantoms Season Off To A Shaky Start

October 31, 2011 in Games

The Phantoms fell 3-1 to the Underdogs last night in the season opener. The rust was showing a bit on some skates, but after a slow start (which saw the bad guys score two in the opening period), the good guys started to right the ship.

Ross “Beta Test” Gerbasi pulled the Phantoms within one on a nice breakaway move. The Underdogs goalie attempted to dive and poke check the puck away from Gerbasi, but he deftly moved around the sprawling netminder and tossed the puck in the back of the net.

AJ “Bionic Knee” Brandt made some spectacular saves, as the Underdogs applied constant offensive pressure throughout the match. Try as they may, however, the Phantoms couldn’t crack the scoreboard again.

The first game of the season was also the first Phantoms game ever for three new players. Mike “Hockey 8 Days A Week” Orzoff brings some offensive firepower to the team, while Jiri “Never Say” Nosek and Jason “The Big” Lewandowski give the Phantoms blueline some extra size and skill.

The Phantoms will be back on the ice Tuesday, November 8th to take on the Bluejays. It’s Bo Coonce bobblehead night, so make sure to get there early!

Season Begins

October 30, 2011 in Updates

Phantoms season starts off in a few hours!

Game begins at 10:10pm in Wilmette tonight VS the underdogs. This season will be a season of change for the phantoms as we introduce a new cast of characters to the team .